Koalas have chlamydia.
Why do I know this useless shit? Because my procrastinator of a daughter waited until the mother fucking very last minute to start an IN CLASS project.
Here we are just a few weeks shy of the last day of school and my daughter forgot the home she lives in. She forgot her mom is a crazy psycho overbearing bitch. Poor daughter. She likes to to learn shit the hard way. Like mother like daughter. (Sorry mom)
4:30pm. I send an email to her teacher asking about a math review. We settle on the child coming in early. (Thank G-d because lord knows her teacher has the patience of a Saint.) Silly me thinks this is our only “issue” of the day.
4:32pm Oh yes, two damn minutes later. My daughter tells me she hasn’t been able to do her project that is due Monday. MONDAY?!? It seems my child has experienced “technical difficulties “ and has had “NO TIME” to complete her research. I find out she’s researching Koalas. She is going to draw a picture as her “model.” Said child is telling me all the while she continues to play with her friend outside and I continue to sit on the driveway chatting with my friend & neighbor. (Remember, suburbia utopia)
Knowing full well my mini me is a procrastinating bullshit artist, I email her teacher her stupid fucking excuses just so this child can read her teacher’s response.
One day she will learn I’m smarter than her and made all these mistakes and worse ones.
One day she will call me Yoda and treat me with the master respect I deserve.
Back to the project: yes I, the parent, have known about this project for weeks. And yes, I’ve been patiently waiting for this moment. Yes, I let this life lesson happen forgetting it would cause my blood pressure to rise.
Ping! Phone alert- an email from the teacher saying she can research at home (you don't say...) and a picture is unacceptable (shocking, I know) and other students have been bringing in art materials all week because the model must be made at school. I do wonder what the actual fuck was my kid was doing when these students brought their shit in!!? My guess is reading. Stupid book worm.
I tell my daughter I’m 30 seconds away from going full blown psycho mom on her and she responds with “I got this, Mom. Don’t worry.”
What do you actually got? An F? A lazy fucking attitude? Because you ain’t got shit. I sent her teacher a message saying feel free to fail her. And I wasn’t even kidding. I relay this to my daughter, without all the profanity because she’s only nine.
NOW my kid is rummaging through our arts and crafts cabinet because I told her use what we have because I’m not going to any store to buy you anything. I didn’t procrastinate. I, on the other hand, am sitting in a closet breathing deeply to calm myself down which doesn't work because I smell disgusting because I was at the zoo for the kindergarten field trip. I am now annoyed my kid didn't do what she was supposed to and even more annoyed that my deep calm breathing has lead me to smell elephant shit, sweat, and kinder germs.
I am feeling like a rock star.
I got this parenting shit down.
I’m fucking winning today.
Rummaging complete. She has white construction paper, black construction paper, a glue stick, and damn mini marshmallows to glue on as fur. Whatever dude. Good luck with these choices.
And now all of a sudden she CAN physically research Koalas vs playing outside or experiencing technical difficulties.
“You know what mom? Koalas have chlamydia. What’s chlamydia?”
Son of a bitch.
Is it summer yet? I’m fucking done.