Friday, August 17, 2018

Day Three

Holy mother fucker! Day three!!

I get it- school started Wednesday and today is the third morning of waking early, but holy shit - it was a damn ass nightmare this morning.


This is the year of the alarm clock for E1. I do way too much for her as it is, so to expect her to wake up by alarm and get ready independently is actually not too much to ask. Beep beep at 6:30. We leave the house at 7:30 for school and in a normal world a 10 year old does not need an hour to get ready, but my morning bear - well, she probably needs two hours. Now it is 6:40 and the beep beep can be heard throughout the house. Beep Beep at 6:45, 6:50, 6:55, 7:00....I now walk into her room and it is 7:05 am. I tell her it is after 7:00 and to get up. I know full well this is not going to be the end of this story.

I walk into E2's room and she rolls over and whines about school starting too early. She then gets out of bed, excited to wear her butterfly dress. The excitement leaves when I pull out the monkey bar buddies for her to wear underneath her dress. Apparently monkey bar buddies are made of nails or needles or knives because E2 was wailing about wearing them. Snot and tears are flowing while she is repeating why why why....I don't have the patience for this shit. I remind her no one should see her panties, she sits criss-cross applesauce at school, and plays at recess so the monkey bar buddies help with keeping her panties covered. The snot, tears, and cries continue. Quite frankly, I don't give a fuck so I cave and put the damn monkey bar buddies back in the dresser. Yes, I know - she won and was rewarded for her "bad behavior," but I myself am not a morning person and as the saying goes....pick your battles.

In E2's bathroom she asks for pig tails. I double check this choice. I ask her if she wants them high or low (showing the placement). She chooses high. E2 has hair for DAYS. There is so much thick, gorgeous, wavy, brown hair you wonder if she will become a drug mule one day because you could easily hide heroin in that head of hair. I begin to brush the drug smuggling head of hair and the tears begin to flow. I stop. She gets mad I stopped. I brush again. Tears. Brush. Tears. Brush. Tears. I ask her again if she still wants pigtails and she insists she does and then reminds me that I am a shit mom for not scheduling her a haircut like she has BEGGED because short hair means no knots. Uh, sorry E2, but you'll look like a damn mushroom with short hair so I am actually not a shit mom. I am a rock star. Pigtails complete. Teeth get brushed and E2 is all smiles, is happy and ready to start her third day of school.

7:21- E1 is not downstairs. I yell up to her the time and I can hear it in her shrill preteen voice that the monster inside her will be the one joining us this morning. She claims she will be down in a minute. Tick tock. Tick tock.

7:30 am. Time to leave.
E1 in FULL attitude has made it downstairs. As the sneakers are being put on her feet, the tears begin to flow. She hates her sneakers, has no time for breakfast, it isn't fair, blah blah blah - I actually have no fucking clue what she was saying because I don't speak "bitch."(Actually, I invented that language but she's 10 and I needed to prove a point and continued to ignore the tantrum.)

E1 has shoes on, backpack on, and as they are walking out the door the hubs asks E1 where her glasses are. HOLY MOTHER OF G-D! I thought for sure she was going to kill him with her eyes. STOMPING with her backpack on, shoes on, crying, mumbling, snotting, E1 goes into my bathroom to grab her glasses. (Why the fuck were they in there in the first place?)

7:35. The hubs pulls out of the driveway and I can exhale. Happy driving!!

Day three, you're a bitch.
Welcome back to school!!


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