Monday, February 25, 2019

Scary Nice

Well shit! I didn't mean to fall off the blogging grid. I swear, I didn't. Life happened and well, I just never sat down to type. And in full, honest disclosure.....I lost the power cord to my laptop and I refuse to blog from my phone. Luckily for me, I asked the hubs to help me find it today and because I am so awesome at putting away all the shit in this house, he opened the one fucking drawer I hadn't bothered to look in for the last two months and there it was. In my defense ( I know, I know) that drawer is filled with extra keys to cars we no longer have and homes we sold years ago....why the power cord was in there, I'll never know. Why I still have not thrown out all those keys....that is to be answered another time.

These couple months have been more of the same - softball, swim, homework, tests, volunteering in the school, hanging out with the family and hanging out without them too. (Every mama needs a break, or two, or four hundred). The other recurring activity these past two months has been the argument starting sentence of "but my friend does not have to...x, y, z." As the girls get older, it is becoming more obvious we are not the typical parents. I am a mixture of Mary Poppins and Mommy Dearest or as my friend's children coined me "Scary nice."



We live in a time where parents are afraid of disappointing their kids, solve all their problems for them, believe adversity is the enemy, failure is not an option and send their children to school with the thought of not my kid.

Unfortunately for my girls, their mama is stuck in the 1980s and 1990s where the teacher is always right, children are told what to do, and for the love of everything holy I am anything but their friend.
Somewhere we, the parents, mixed up advocating for our children with being their friend. My girls know I am their number one fan, but if their shit stinks I am going to tell them and I am going to make them wipe their own proverbial ass.

(However, if something egregious happens to them and they ultimately are in the right, I will move heaven and earth for them. They have both seen my "mama bear." They know she is in there hibernating, ready to take on a fight, BUT mama bear only comes out when I know for damn sure there is no ownership my child needs to take.)

Back to that Scary Nice, I am not your friend style of parenting.



Fail a test? Study more next time and no, you are not eligible to retake it. I told your teachers you didn't deserve that second chance because you did not prepare.

Messy room? Lose everything in the room (minus the bed and clothes) for however long I decide to keep it all. Why? Because I asked you a million times to clean it and you ignoring me is disrespectful and also, your room is fucking gross.

Didn't wash and condition your hair? Let me be the one to brush all the knots out. You'll be praying for a second chance to wash your hair correctly. Or brush it yourself for the 45 minutes it's going to take to remove the rat's nest from your head. Either way, you're not leaving the damn house looking like that. Take some pride in yourself.

Break shit in the house because you bounced the ball I told you not to - empty your piggy bank and give it all to me. Am I sure it costs that much?  Why yes, everything in this house costs the exact amount you have saved....for eternity.

No screens on school days. You have to use it for school? Let me email the teachers and double check that. Oh you can go in early? Let me drive you tomorrow morning. Don't pull the "teacher said so" card here - I was a teacher, I know what they say.

Still hungry? Eat your dinner.
Don't like what I made? starve.

Raise your voice? In trouble.
Roll your eyes? In trouble.
Pretend you're me and have a sarcastic bitchy tone - Big time trouble.

Does it sound a little militant? I guess so. I guess making sure respect and honesty are the most important values takes hard work. We have rules. Rules are followed or there are consequences.

Be a jack ass to your sister? No friends for you and you have to play whatever your sister wants for two days.

Glued to your iPad on a Sunday and didn't hear dinner was ready....yep, you missed dinner and nope, you don't get to eat.

Homework due tomorrow and you are not finished? No, you will not wake up early- you will miss your sport's game and/or practice. No one here is going to make a career from their athletic ability. And no, I am not squashing your dreams - I am being realistic.

Disrespectful to your teacher? You will write them an apology letter, we will drive you to school in the morning and make you read that letter through your snotty tearful remorse. Think I am kidding? I am not. Ask both girls' kindergarten teachers. This mama doesn't play.

Want an iPhone? No
Want social media? No
Want some game played with random other people on the internet? No

Do I sound harsh? You bet. I am their mom. I am not their friend. I am here to make sure they are productive, responsible members of society. No one in the real world is going to give them an extra chance or more time because they have anxiety, ADD, or Cerebral Palsy. Our world is dog eat dog and only the strong will survive. Childhood is the time to make mistakes and learn how to correct the behavior and not make the same mistakes. Yes, they are children and E1 is a mini version of myself and likes to learn things the hard way so there is always that added bonus to her life's journey.

We have fun. We vacation. We go on more outings than you can imagine. My kids have more free time, play time, down time than you can shake a stick at which is why I am such a stickler for respectful behavior. People should never confuse kindness with stupidity. We can go to the carnival and ride all the rides and eat all the food and win all the prizes, but if you lie about brushing your damn teeth that fun day will end in a category five hurricane and you will have no shelter to protect you.

I do not ask much from my girls. In fact, the more E1 talks to her friends the more she realizes how easy her life is. Sure, her mom is a raging bitch sometimes but she is coming to realize when the fire breathing dragon is breathing down her neck, she damn well deserves it.

I will teach my girls coping mechanisms. I will teach them strength and loyalty and dedication. I will show them respect and expect it in return. We can discuss anything - nothing is taboo. From friend drama to puberty to how babies are made - we cover it all.

Do I think this Scary Nice parenting works? Yes, I firmly do. E2 is the easy one so she is not the best example. E1 is our test case. At ten and a half I can tell you she has lived enough consequences to no longer make them. In true child fashion she will make more mistakes, but she has learned respect and honesty will always get her more sugar than salt.

So when people ask how I get my kids to go to bed so early, read so many books, eat this or that, study, etc. I give them the same answer I have always given....

I AM NOT AS NICE AS YOU.

If you are a Scary Nice mom reach out so we can be friends, grab a drink, and get ideas from one another. The day I took E1's door was glorious and it was not my idea. I took that idea from my village!

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