Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Real Family

This is what adoption looks like:

Adoption is not the lifetime movie you have seen. It is not some horrific experience. It is not the unwanted children, It is not the fucked up children. It is not the poor children. Adoption is a brave choice made by people who love an unborn child enough to make the hardest decision of their lives.

I am grateful for both my girls' birth mothers. They are both incredible women who made me a mom. A mom. I get to be a mom because of someone else's actions.

Families created by adoption are no different than your family. Sure, I didn't gain 30 lbs during pregnancy, but I gained 30 lbs in the years of waiting for a child. The first time I held my babies is no different than the first time you held your babies.  My sleepless nights were the same, potty training was the same, tantrums are the same...get the idea? All the same.

My husband and I are not "saints" for adopting. Please do not think we are extra special for this. We wanted to be a mom and dad and adoption was how we created our family. When you call us special, it makes us feel weird because spending tens of thousands of dollars to become parents does not feel special. It is a long journey with a happy ending, but until you hold your baby there is nothing special about the process.

Please do not tell my girls how lucky they are to be our kids. First, it belittles their birth mother and second, they were just in 'time out' so they sure think you are wrong. They do not get it. Yes, they know they are adopted. Yes they know they grew in another woman's tummy, but they don't really get it. When they have questions, we answer them. I would prefer to not answer questions created by you.

My kids are from the USA. Please do not ask "Where are they from?" It is odd.
My kids are not "crack babies." Please do not ask "Was their mom on drugs?"

My kids are my kids. Please do not ask what is their real mom up to these days. Please do not ask anything about their real mom unless you are talking about me. Again, I AM THEIR REAL MOM. Plus, do you really care??? Probably not. You are being nosy and fishing for details. If you want those details, become my friend and we can discuss these things during a girls night out.

Please do not say things like "Does she speak Spanish?" Um, just because my kid is Hispanic does not mean she speaks Spanish. Are you that stupid?
Please do not say "But.....she is so smart." When you find out she is adopted. Last I checked, adopted kids are not automatically dumb and you're an ass for saying that.
Please do not say "But...she is so pretty" when you find out she is adopted. Adopted kids are not automatically ugly and you're an ass for saying that.
Please do not ask me if I think my girls will want to know their real family.
THEY KNOW THEIR REAL FAMILY. (and I do not need that anxiety)

One last thing...please do not ask us how long we tried and how many rounds of IVF we completed. If you are one of the unlucky bastards that asked me that you got my honest and bitchy answer of "We are not infertile. I had cancer which they found because I was pregnant, then my son was still born and the chemo prevents me from being pregnant.. Aren't you glad you asked."
People choose adoption for numerous reasons - not just infertility.

The next time you see a family you think was created by adoption just remember we do not feel any different than you. We are parents. We get frustrated, we love, we scream, we cry, we smile. We are parents.

You can however ask for a play date or whether I prefer a glass of red or white.


  1. Love this! 💜💜💜🍷🍷🍷 you are awesome!

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  3. Oh God. It makes me sad to know you had to write this! I think people has to understand that no one has the right to ask about other people's family decisions and situations. My husband and I struggled a bit with infetility and it hurt like hell when people made comments about us having kids. I heard everyhting from "when are you two having a baby" to "you're so young, you should just wait and enjoy life". Nobody knew that we were trying, and failing, to conceive. Nobody knew how painful those comments where, and how angry and hurt I was all the time. Fortunately, we were able to conceive naturally. But it still amazes me how people think its OK to ask about this kind of things.

  4. Thank you for sharing your journey. In the end what matters most is our family. I am happy you able to enjoy motherhood. It is a great journey.