Tuesday, July 28, 2015


Best friends, good friends, childhood friends, Facebook friends, friends, Instagram followers, Twitter followers, mom friends, school friends, neighborhood friends, work friends, acquaintances, frenemies.....How the hell do we all have so many categories of people we associate with?

It doesn't matter how old I get, I still have to learn the same lesson - not everyone you meet or hang out with is a friend, but that doesn't mean they are not important. Lessons are learned each day from the many people that walk in and out of your life.  What you choose to do with those lessons is up to you.

As adults trying to set an example for our children, I think we put too much emphasis on the "bestie." If you see me once a year, once a month, once a week, once a day- it doesn't matter. What matters is our conversation, the time we spent together, and how you made me feel.

If I feel happy and enjoy our time, I will want to have another play date. If I feel anything other than joy perhaps we should have less play dates. This is what I am trying to teach E1 and E2. Forget the categories, forget the term bestie, and remember how the person makes you feel.

Did you have fun? Did you feel safe to be yourself? Did you play nicely together? Did you laugh? Did you feel happy?

With school looming around the corner, I am reminding myself to remind E1 and E2 how to be a friend and what to expect from friend. Luckily, at this age their expectation is low - did you have fun?

I know friendships will get more complicated as they get older and I hope with having exposure to all types of friends and my age, I will be able to help them ride this roller coaster.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

The Clown And The Hooker

For the longest time (years) we would put E1 to sleep and she would never even know when we went out at night. When E2 was born, we put them both to sleep and neither child knew we were out to dinner etc.

Somewhere between the ages of 5 and 6, E1 decided she wanted to stay up for babysitters and have them put her to sleep. Cue paranoid dad and paranoid mom who watch to many episodes of 'Without a Trace' and 'Law & Order: SVU'. E2 would be put to sleep and E1 would be bathed, in pajamas, and in bed ready for a story when the sitter arrived. (This went on for some time.)

Now we have come to the age where both girls think babysitters are cool and they want to stay awake and play. E1 is totally fine and E2 goes in and out of wanting me to put her to bed before we go out or the sitter putting her to bed.

Tonight I had to go out plus the hubs is traveling, so a sitter was necessary. I called one of our "usuals" and she came over. I was leaving at 6 pm and would be home by 9 pm. I asked her to play with the kids and basically "keep them alive."

When I checked in via text they were watching "Dog With a Blog." First, I fucking hate that show. Secondly, E1 knows E2 is not allowed to watch it. Thirdly, I hate that fucking show. The ONLY reason I let E1 watch it is because "all the kids" at school watch it and let's face it, if I didn't loosen the reins here and there she would be a total social outcast. Sad, but true.
(Pretty sure I cried when we could not afford Z. Cavaricci jeans and I had to hope no one noticed my fake ones.)

I opened the garage, pull the car in, and there is E1...um, wtf? WHY is she outside - she came to say hi. I open the door to the house to instantly needing an oxygen mask because the ENTIRE house smells of
J' adore and QuelQues Fleurs perfume. HOLY SHIT. Did the bottles break???? Nope, but by the smell of it the girls bathed in both. VOMIT. They stink.

Once I find a corner of the house that allows for a breath of fresh air I notice that both girls are wearing make-up. E1 looks like a two dollar hooker and E2 looks like the clown from Poltergeist. Where did the make-up come from??? The HOT PINK lipstick (the babysitter's- which completely has my germ radar going through the roof) is SMEARED all over E2's face and E1 looks like she put it on herself. I cannot even take a picture because damn it, they fucking stink of perfume and I am now feeling ill. Seriously, I have a migraine and I have been home for 45 seconds.

I pay the sitter and walk her out through a MAZE of tied yarn. (We have yarn? Who knew.) The yarn is tied to the door knobs of the front door, bathroom door, bedroom door, and spindles of the staircase and they are playing laser tag. Creative? Hell yes. I am SUPER impressed with E1's creativity (it was her idea I was told), but I cannot think straight because I am choking on the damn perfume stench. Seriously....HOW many sprays did the clown and hooker need???

I wash their faces with make-up remover and put them to sleep. I can barely say our nightly prayer without gagging because they fucking smell so badly.

The entire house smells of perfume, yarn is everywhere, and I am wondering when E1 got ballsy enough to convince the sitter to let them play in make-up and perfume and why the sitter said yes.

Glad the girls had fun.....next time, I leave rules.

Best Mom

I would like to introduce myself. I am the best mom. I have heard it from friends, family members, and of course read it on comments on Facebook. I am great. No one else compares - Except for all moms are the best (or can be).

I am the best mom when I roll my eyes at the story my 6 year old is telling me.
I am the best mom when I yell at my kids to hurry up and put their shoes on.
I am the best mom when I get frustrated at the marker on the wall.
I am the best mom when I throw away toys because they were left on the floor.
I am the best mom when I refuse to read books to my children at night because they are on my last nerves and all I want is peace and quiet.
I am the best mom when I am aggravated with the emotional roller coaster of the soon to be 4 year old.
I am the best mom when I delete their annoying shows and then pretend I do not know what happened.
I am the best mom when I force my kids to go outside and play and then refuse to go with them.

I get frustrated and annoyed on an almost daily basis. It is par for the course. I am not "the best mom." I am just mom. Greatness is perceived because I enjoy my time with my girls.

Between their eye rolling, their bad habits, their tantrums, and all the other pull-your-hair-out moments, HAVE FUN with your children and you too, can be the best mom ever.

Today's best mom moment was brought to you by our slip n slide:

Photo credit: E1

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Baking Is Learning

I really hate cooking and baking, but I know how important these life skills are and so if I must, I will teach my daughters. The teacher in me also knows how following a recipe is a great activity to build reading and math skills.

Today, with three of our friends, we baked cookies and made a cookie cake from scratch. All the kids took turns adding the ingredients, mixing, etc. I must say it went very smoothly. We discussed prior to baking how everyone needs to stay in their designated spot, wait their turn, and be patient. All the kids were rock star bakers.

We read the ingredients, discussed "packed sugar," the importance of "softened" butter, and followed the step by step instructions. We also discussed how the recipe said to beat the mixture and we were using a hand held mixer...is mixing beating?

We measured with cups and teaspoons and the kids told funny stories of how in previous experiences they put too much and their food was ruined. When the recipe called for 3/4 cup of something we used the 1/4 cup and talked about how we needed to fill it up three times.  We also learned the abbreviation for teaspoon and noticed the difference of size between a tablespoon and teaspoon. (Math is everywhere!)

The kids also laughed, licked spoons, licked spatulas, argued over who could crack eggs better and which would taste better - the cookies or the cake. (They both tasted amazing, for real.)

If you are not comfortable "teaching" your child, cook and/or bake with them. They will learn so much and have a great time.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Home School

I would love to home school. Yes, you read that correctly. I would love to home school. I have taught in public school and private school and have had teaching and or administrative experiences in elementary, middle, and high school. I am actually qualified to teach other people's children so why would I not teach my own?

We do school work in our study over the summer breaks and occasionally during the school year. Some days we work for awhile, other days we work for 10 minutes.

While I LOVE(d) my girls' preschool (E2 still a student there), E1 will be starting 1st grade in a few weeks at our neighborhood public school.

E1 is excited and nervous to start this new chapter. I, on the other hand, would be more than happy to not set the alarms, to not make lunches, and to home school. My husband has asked me 1000x to home school and yet, I do not.

I do not home school because I am scared.
I do not home school because it is still not as acceptable as I would like it to be.
I do not homes school because I cannot create "lunch time."
I do not home school because I cannot create "recess."
I do not home school because I cannot create "field day."
I do not home school because I cannot create "spirit day."
I do not home school because I have not found (and yes, I looked) an active social group of children.
I do not home school because I am petrified of missing a key piece of the curriculum.
I do not home school because minus one family I have not found anyone "like us."
I do not home school because I know I am a shitty Science teacher.
I do not home school because at this very moment my kids are on my damn nerves, every last one of them.
I do not home school because I do believe in teachers.
I do not home school because I do believe in schools.
I do not home school because my friends will think we are nuts.
I do not home school because my family, minus one person, will think we are nuts.
I do not home school because my friends that are currently in education will think we are nuts.
I do not home school because of outside influences.
I do not home school because I am scared.

What a crappy feeling to know you CAN do something, but are not 'courageous' enough to do so. What is insane, is that I am a super confident person - to a fault. My ego is so big, seriously. I pretty much think I am the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread. Honestly, I am awesome. Love me or hate me, I don't care - I love myself enough.

But here I am, NOT "kicking home school ass" because I am afraid of what others think, afraid I will fail, afraid I will fuck my kids up for life.  I guess I am not super human after all.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Your Kid Is Great

Children. They are all so different and yet they are to meet certain milestones and gain certain cognitive skills at specific times. We say every child is a gift and some take longer to blossom and a thousand other sayings to justify why our child is behind his/her peers.

At this point in my life, if my kid is struggling in any area I want to know. If a good friend points out, fine. If a teacher tells me, great. If a well meaning stranger says something (and has) I will (and did) get super pissed, but at least I will know.  So here's a question for you -

How many times is a kid quirky and has a hard time making friends before you suggest an evaluation?

How many times can a kid only wear a certain type of clothing before suggesting an evaluation?

How many classes just weren't the right fit before suggesting an evaluation?

How many schools does a child need to attend before suggesting an evaluation?

How many tantrums need to happen before suggesting a new parenting strategy?

How many rude behaviors have to happen before suggesting a new parenting strategy?

How many sleepless nights need to happen before suggesting sleep training?

How many feeding issues need to happen before suggesting therapy?

How many emotional outbursts need to happen before suggesting help?

How many 'needs improvements' need to happen on a report card before suggesting testing?

How many red flags need to pop up before we, as a family member or friend, say "Hey, I think..."

What I have found is this-
Most parents don't want to hear it.

So, unless someone specifically asks me my opinion....
"Your kid is great."

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Power Outage

Holy shit, I need power. I just do. I do not wear a bonnet and live in a little house on the prairie.

I am not some person that was meant to live without power. Not only do I need light, the oven, and the refrigerator, but I need air conditioning. I NEED air conditioning and so do my girls.

After a frustrating afternoon with the girls, I was looking forward to the sitter coming and heading out with my husband for a work dinner.

Power out , 4:45pm. Crap. I get E2 out of the bath and put E1 in the shower in our bathroom as it has natural light. Crap. I take the chicken out of the oven. Shit. What's for dinner before the sitter gets here? Hot dogs. I can cook hot dogs on the stove top (thank the lord for gas stove tops).
And yes, I know hot dogs are filled with nitrates (whatever those are) and a choking hazard....shut up, I don't care.

Dinner served, sitter here, girls playing. 6pm, no power. 6:30 - no power. E2 wants me to put her to sleep so I do (she is exhausted from swimming earlier). I leave and must admit crank the car AC so low and relish in the fact that I am now freezing.  The electric company says the power will come back on by 7 pm. No biggie, the sitter can handle 30 more minutes.

I arrive at the restaurant and while we are dining, the sitter called. E2 woke up hot and is now missing me. She is in bed but crying for me oh and by the way it is 8:30 pm and there is still no power. My mom anxiety, guilt, emotions run through my head and I excuse myself from dinner. I cannot stay. I cannot. My baby is upset, there is no damn power, the house is hot as hell, and I am just pissed. The electric company now estimates power at 9:45 pm.

I arrive home at 9 to find E2 sitting by flashlight playing on the iPad. This confuses me a little because there are a gazillion candles I left out just in case they needed light and the glow from the iPad is enough to light up the whole fucking house. E1 is fast asleep in her room sweating like a whore in church. (Side note: that is my favorite saying to describe someone profusely sweating)

I light all our candles - so romantic. I take E2 back upstairs - HOLY FUCK it is hot up there. I lay her back down, say our nightly prayer again, and I walk out of her room. I still leave the door open to try and help the stale air circulate.  People say it helps??? Whatever.

For a scheduled mama with scheduled kids this is just not how we roll.

I text the hubs and tell him things are ok. Cue E2. She is out of her room, walking down the stairs. She is hot, she is awake. WIDE awake. We discuss WDW, we count candles, we take selfies, we make silly faces, we discuss that E1 is sleeping and daddy is out.  I then take her back upstairs.

My husband arrives home. E2 is quiet. Electric company now estimates 11:01 pm. Oh hi E2 (again.) I give up. Screw it. I cannot sleep in this damn heat either. My husband gets The Little Mermaid to play on his tablet and E2 starts watching. Somewhere between King Titan's tirade over humans and Ariel wanting to be part of our world, I fall asleep.

I wake up and bring E2 upstairs. That lasts 5 minutes. I now make a bed downstairs in the family room for her. The electric company now says 2:45 am. E2 lays down and at some point falls asleep. Sometime after midnight, every fan in the house clicks on, the clocks start flashing. HALLELUJAH!! POWER. I reset the AC units, reset the clocks and oh yes, turn off the oven....remember, my chicken?

I bring E2 back upstairs.

1:30, 2:45, and 7 are all the times I woke up to E2 calling for me.

Today, the power is on and the sun is shining and I am tired. Cool, but tired.
Cheers to a new day.....with power!

Beware of Swimming

Beware of swimming.....it leads to crying.

I am fully aware this too shall pass, but damn swimming days suck. My girls love the pool this summer, but between the physical act of kicking and moving their arms plus the heat - they are wiped after two hours.

Today we went with friends to a pool with two big water slides, diving boards, and Noah's ark complete with spraying animals and little slides for smaller children. We were there for a little under three hours and we took 2 "eating breaks" during this time.

When it was time to leave, E1 almost cried because I said the next eating break was happening in the car vs happening at the pool, E2 cried because E1 went to the bathroom. The damn bathroom. At this point the friend's child was crying too so we were those people. Swimming is officially over for today.

On the drive home E1 cried because the DVD playing was too babyish. E2 cried for chips. Seriously girls, fall the fuck to sleep. Nope. They stayed awake for the 35 minute drive home taking turns whining while I practiced Lamaze breathing which I know nothing about because they are adopted. Breathe in, breath out.

We get home and E2 cried because E1 got out of the car first. E1 cried because E2 got a different snack. E1 then cried because the game she was playing on the laptop opened a new window. E2 cried because the palace pet she was designing on the iPad got messed up. E1 is crying because the laptop battery died. Fuck both of you, tech time is over.

E1 is now crying because she did not get enough tech time and E2 is in a bubble bath screaming for me to fix her nail polish while she is in the tub.


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Band-Aid Phase

Band-Aids, welcome back!  I have missed you - NOT.

I remember this phase with E1 and being so aggravated each time she wanted a damn band-aid for no reason. No blood, no band-aid. I do not remember how many times she cried for a band-aid before I caved and let the phase just run its course.

The band-aids have come back with a vengeance. Perhaps I did not give them out enough a few years ago because E2 needs at least 3 per day....at least.

I have a boo boo on my foot, I need a band-aid.
Sissy is at cheer and I am having a meltdown because I want to go to and I need a band-aid
My eye hurts, I need a band-aid....on my arm
My tummy hurts, I need a band-aid....on my leg
My nail polish came off, I need a band-aid
I went swimming, I need a band-aid
It is time for bed, I need a band-aid
I don't want to eat my green beans, my teeth hurt, I need a band-aid
My doll needs a band-aid
Apollo needs a band-aid
The stroller needs a band-aid
The tricycle needs a band-aid
My juice spilled on my shirt, I need a band-aid
More boo boos, more band-aids
I am bleeding, I am screaming, I am actually hurt.....NO NO NO band-aid.

We should have stock in Band-Aid

Monday, July 13, 2015

The Gift Of A Year

Summer birthdays create a sticky situation (for some) in regards to school.

The cut off date for many states to start school is September 1st. A student needs to be 5 on or before September 1st to enter Kindergarten. Children whose birthdays fall between the months of June and August are typically the youngest in the class/grade. As a mother of two August birthdays I had to stop and ask myself, "Will my girls be more successful as one of the youngest or one of the oldest?"

As a former educator I made the decision to most likely start them in Kinder at the age of 6 because when our school year starts is typically 1-2 weeks after their birthdays.  It was that simple...until we approached that pivotal year.

As each daughter grew we (of course) encountered more and more friends whose birthdays fell throughout the school year. As I compared them with their peers they were stronger, average, and weaker in certain areas. They were typical children. There was no alarm going off saying "HOLD HER BACK."

When the time came to make the decision for E1 we decided to hold her - give her the gift of a year. We also decided E2, 3 years younger, would be held back too. What is good for the goose, is good for the gander and quite frankly, I was not ' going through this' again.

Somehow this decision affected my friends' thoughts on my parenting and my children. All of a sudden I was being lectured on how she would be bored, she is too mature, she is too tall. Or the flip side of how will she achieve age appropriate expectations if she is with younger kids, won't she regress, won't this keep her immature?

Friends also expressed how summer birthday kids were screwing over spring birthday kids because now they are the youngest. Um, didn't you just fucking tell me how being the youngest isn't so bad and they will rise to the occasion and prove themselves?

This decision opened the doors for everyone's opinion. And I mean everyone's. What has been most interesting to me is the overwhelming dissension for E1 and the overwhelming agreement for E2.  Somehow being an early reader means you should not be held back. That is the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard. There is so much more to consider when a parent makes the decision. And being in speech or OT doesn't automatically mean you hold back. That too, is the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard.

Parents that decide to hold back do so because they see their child for exactly who they are. They know if their child is ready to start school. They consider their child's tantrums, sensitivity, academics, maturity, impulse control, imagination, gross motor skills, fine motor skills, and the child's over all personality before making this decision. Parents agonize over this. This decision is not made lightly.

The thing that frustrates all summer birthday parents is people's inability to be supportive. I did not lecture my friends that did not hold their child back - it is not my decision to make. I have my opinion, but I kept it to myself because I am not that child's parent or teacher.  I am not sure why people feel they can give an opinion when you do hold back, but the parents that do not hold their child are applauded for doing what is right. Why is that?  Why is it any of our business? Who decided what is right and what is wrong for another child?

Other people's opinions did not change mine. They never have.

If your child is doing well in school then don't worry about my daughter's birthday and how it will change your child's education because it won't.

If your child is not doing well in school, look at your own child and not mine. Her August birthday (and being a few months older) did not make learning to read or learning mathematics more difficult for your child.

What prompted this entry? School starts in about 6 weeks.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Disney Part Two

More unsolicited advice -

Please do not find all the healthy options at Disney because you are on Weight Watchers, My Fitness Pal, Jenny Craig, 21 Day fix, or whatever other damn health app is on your phone. Enjoy the Mickey ice cream with your kid. Enjoy it melting all over your hands, enjoy getting sticky, and enjoy watching your kid be shocked at how well you can eat ice cream.

Ponchos - bring them. It rains. Also bring a change of clothes for young kids and some flip flops/crocs/etc for you and the kids to put on during the rain. The ponchos will keep your clothes dry, but wet socks and sneakers SUCKS.

Make sure your stroller has a rain guard or pack some garbage bag type thing to cover your stroller when it rains. It will rain. It will.

Download the Disney app so you can see how long lines are, change your fast passes, etc

Download the Accuweather app - it gives minute by minute weather updates. You can switch your rides, fast passes, etc to avoid the rain.  My family knew a storm was brewing so we headed to Tomorrowland (it has the most covered areas). We saw the Monsters Inc show, rode Buzz Light Year, and watched Carousel of Progress - poof! rain storm was over.

To go cups at Disney are paper. This is fine until they get smooshed into cup holders in strollers...um, spill anyone? Tantrum anyone? Sticky Sprite, Root Beer, Lemonade all over your stroller and kid anyone? No thanks! We pour the leftover drinks into the Take & Toss cups.  http://www.amazon.com/The-First-Years-Straw-Ounce/dp/B0054YZDWC

Bring your kids' bed toys, sound machine, whatever else helps them sleep. They will need it when they are over tired and over stimulated.  My girls share a room when we travel and E2 gets VERY excited and E1 gets VERY annoyed with E2's excitement. All our bed time tricks help to smooth the transition for night one. By night two, they both pass out in 3 seconds, literally.

Our favorite character meals: Cinderella's Royal Table for dinner, Princess Breakfast in Epcot, Lunch at Tusker House (Mickey, etc) in Animal Kingdom, Dinner at Crystal Palace (Winnie the Pooh) in Magic Kingdom, Hollywood & Vine (Doc McStuffins, Jake, Sofia,) in Hollywood Studios, and Be Our guest for Dinner (the Beast makes an appearance only at dinner) in Magic Kingdom.
The breakfast at the Beach Club is ok. I don't think it is as great at the ones listed above.


And one last thing - please don't bring your kid in the souvenir shop and then say no to everything which causes them to have an epic tantrum and then you yell at them for being a spoiled brat....WHY did you come into the store???? Geez, people. It was 10 am - I had not had enough coffee to see that shit.

Thursday, July 9, 2015


We have now been to Walt Disney World twice. We went in September 2015 (the girls had just turned 6 and 3) and we are about to complete this vacation tomorrow (July 2015) - the girls are weeks away from 7 and 4. YES, we went twice in a year. My husband loves WDW and wanted to come back plus we were already in Florida visiting family, so why not.

Our first experience was a week long. We went to Magic Kingdom, EPCOT, Hollywood Studios, and Animal Kingdom. The second trip we went to Magic Kingdom for two and a half days.

If you are ready to spend money and have a great time here is some unsolicited advice-

WDW is expensive as all hell. Know it, Get over it. Move on. Spend the money or stay the fuck home,.

It is hot. It is in Florida, do you expect it to be cold? It is hot.

September is a FANTASTIC time to go. Pull the kids from school and go - they are only little once. Is 3rd grade really that hard? Do the damn school work on the plane ride there - live a little.

Summer time is crowded and hot. Don't care? Go - You'll have fun. We did.

Summer lines are long. FAST PASS. Don't know what that is? Find out BEFORE you get to WDW. Fast passes will change your entire trip experience.

Parent swap is AWESOME. Want to ride a ride your kid is too small for? No problem! Parent Swap.

Family rule: If you are tall enough, you ride. You must ride what you can at least once. No exceptions to this rule. None. My children are fine, no one is scarred for life. No one cried hysterically. E1 loves them all except Space Mountain and E2 does not like certain ones.

Kids and parents need to eat and drink all day - it is hot and you are walking everywhere - keep up your energy!

Stay on property if you can - Disney transportation makes things simple

Kids are assholes at Disney. They are hot, tired, whiny, cranky, over stimulated, exhausted.

Kids are AMAZING at Disney. They are smiling, laughing, running, enjoying everything they see, cannot get enough of the magic, awesome time.

If your child naps, they will need a nap. Don't expect them to go 12 hours in a park without a nap.

Whatever issue your child has at home, that issue comes to Disney.

Please do not slap your kid at Disney. You'll look like an asshole if you do.

Please do not walk your kids into the ice cream parlor and make them get an apple. You'll look like an asshole if you do,

Character meals are great. Book them.

If your child is newly potty trained or you are a germaphobe, bring the petite potette. You'll thank me later. My kid may or may not have used this while waiting in line for Its A Small World and The Magic Carpet Rides....http://potette.com/

Have groceries delivered to your hotel. Water, Go Go Packs, Sliced apples, whatever the hell your kids eat. We used this company and it was easy.  www.gardengrocer.com
Don't over buy, but snacks are expensive in the park and this will save you some cash.

Don't over spend on hotel - you only sleep there.

All the parks are amazing - see them all, do it all, do it one trip, two trips, however many trips you want, but do it. Your kids will love it and you will love seeing your kids this happy.

Bring a stroller or rent one. E1 will be 7 in a few weeks and she sat this week in the stroller. Trip one, we brought ours from home. This trip we rented one https://kingdomstrollers.com

Bring hand sanitizer and use it....I seriously saw a kid in the park with a rash. I doubt it was measles. I am sure it was heat rash but still. Clean your hands all the time!! And if your kid sucks their thumb during the day, break this habit before you come - these children touch everything!!! I am not sure how many wipes we used, but we are all healthy and there were some snotty ass people walking around.


Bring Disney Magic with you - while my girls sleep, I leave a necklace, pen, pencil bag, markers, coloring book, and/or toy from the dollar store that is Disney related on their bed. Every morning they wake up and believe Tinkerbell left them a "Disney Magic" present.  It saves us from buying souvenirs daily and the girls think it is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Disney Magic also shows up after the sun has set....(The Dollar Store sells glow sticks too!)

Don't try to be stylish. It is hot. Shorts, t-shirts, sneakers.

Ride all the rides

ENJOY your kids

There's no schedule at Disney


****When I think of more things I will write another entry.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Code Brown

Does your kid poop in public?

E1 has NO issues. E2 is a poop disaster. That kid is loaded up on fiber daily, drinks more juice than I care to admit and she still can clench her ass with the strength of heavy weight championship.

Traveling is an issue for E2 because of the poop. This kid doesn't shit at school, you think she will shit at the airport, on a plane, or anywhere else? HELL NO.

Much to my surprise, E2 pooped shortly after arriving to my aunt's house in Florida. I thought to myself, "What a difference a year makes! Hallelujah, she will poop this week."

Fast forward four days later.....no poop.

Today we went out to lunch and I took E2 to the bathroom 4x in one hour. Literally. "Mommy, I have to go potty. I'll push it out, Promise." FOUR TIMES we danced this dance.

After lunch we went home to my aunt's house and successfully completed a code brown.

Here's to hoping she poops in WDW...as we are headed there tomorrow.

During parenthood, shit happens. Or in this case, shit does not happen.

Drunk Bowling

It is common fact that my family of four travels to Florida every summer. My grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins live in The Sunshine State and we always have a good time when we are together. My family is similar to me - loud, sarcastic, sailor-like mouths....we will argue, but we will laugh more than anything and that is what counts.

A family trait of ours is our love for alcoholic beverages in mass quantity. We are not alcoholics, but we are party-ers when we are together. We are the grown up version of a fraternity party. Instead of kegs, we have wine and cosmos. Instead of hooking up and puking, we go bowling- drunk bowling.

This summer we attempted drunk bowling again. My children are not invited to this evening affair. E1 was pretty pissed this summer when she heard us discussing bowling. E1 was pissed enough to have a full blown melt down while showering which included sentences of "You and daddy ALWAYS leave me home," "You and Daddy go out EVERY Saturday," "THIS is NOT fair," and my personal guilt inducing favorite "I thought this was a FAMILY vacation - how can you leave your FAMILY home?"

Damn, she is good. I have taught her well. I am proud.

Back to bowling....My cousin's bestie came to babysit (again). E1 saw her and then went to bed. E2 never knew she was here. E2 was EXHAUSTED from a full day of adventures and literally begged to go to bed at 6 pm. Knowing we were having a sitter, I gave her Motrin for insurance of a deep sleep. (That's right, I drug my kids when necessary and unnecessary. Judge away, I don't care.)

There we all are at bowling - laughing, yelling, causing adult havoc, eating, drinking. Our bowling party is coming to an end when Face Time calls.......FUCK.

Hi E2!! E2 is CRYING. SNOTTING. CRYING. Man is she freaked!! She woke up to use the potty to find a babysitter. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

My drunk ass (tequila shot and punch bowl) pulls it together to tell E2 through Face Time "You are OK, This is 'babysitter' she is our friend, Just go pee-pee, I will come with you to the bathroom, Yeah, you peed, You're OK, Please stop crying, Mommy is on her way home."


We travel back to my aunt & uncles house all the while I am texting babysitter to find out E2 is crying off and on......I FEEL TERRIBLE and my alcohol induced state is now GONE.

I jump out of the car to cuddle with E2 to hear her say "Mommy you're home? Why did you go bowling? Why you leave me?" Damn. She is as good as E1.  We cuddle more. She is calmer.

I watch the video monitor (Yes, I travel with mine). My other aunt who lives 4 homes away says to come over when E2 is calm...if that ever happens.  About 20 minutes later, E2 is fully asleep.

So we leave yet again and go laugh, eat, and drink at my other aunt's house.