The Clown And The Hooker

For the longest time (years) we would put E1 to sleep and she would never even know when we went out at night. When E2 was born, we put them both to sleep and neither child knew we were out to dinner etc.

Somewhere between the ages of 5 and 6, E1 decided she wanted to stay up for babysitters and have them put her to sleep. Cue paranoid dad and paranoid mom who watch to many episodes of 'Without a Trace' and 'Law & Order: SVU'. E2 would be put to sleep and E1 would be bathed, in pajamas, and in bed ready for a story when the sitter arrived. (This went on for some time.)

Now we have come to the age where both girls think babysitters are cool and they want to stay awake and play. E1 is totally fine and E2 goes in and out of wanting me to put her to bed before we go out or the sitter putting her to bed.

Tonight I had to go out plus the hubs is traveling, so a sitter was necessary. I called one of our "usuals" and she came over. I was leaving at 6 pm and would be home by 9 pm. I asked her to play with the kids and basically "keep them alive."

When I checked in via text they were watching "Dog With a Blog." First, I fucking hate that show. Secondly, E1 knows E2 is not allowed to watch it. Thirdly, I hate that fucking show. The ONLY reason I let E1 watch it is because "all the kids" at school watch it and let's face it, if I didn't loosen the reins here and there she would be a total social outcast. Sad, but true.
(Pretty sure I cried when we could not afford Z. Cavaricci jeans and I had to hope no one noticed my fake ones.)

I opened the garage, pull the car in, and there is E1...um, wtf? WHY is she outside - she came to say hi. I open the door to the house to instantly needing an oxygen mask because the ENTIRE house smells of
J' adore and QuelQues Fleurs perfume. HOLY SHIT. Did the bottles break???? Nope, but by the smell of it the girls bathed in both. VOMIT. They stink.

Once I find a corner of the house that allows for a breath of fresh air I notice that both girls are wearing make-up. E1 looks like a two dollar hooker and E2 looks like the clown from Poltergeist. Where did the make-up come from??? The HOT PINK lipstick (the babysitter's- which completely has my germ radar going through the roof) is SMEARED all over E2's face and E1 looks like she put it on herself. I cannot even take a picture because damn it, they fucking stink of perfume and I am now feeling ill. Seriously, I have a migraine and I have been home for 45 seconds.

I pay the sitter and walk her out through a MAZE of tied yarn. (We have yarn? Who knew.) The yarn is tied to the door knobs of the front door, bathroom door, bedroom door, and spindles of the staircase and they are playing laser tag. Creative? Hell yes. I am SUPER impressed with E1's creativity (it was her idea I was told), but I cannot think straight because I am choking on the damn perfume stench. Seriously....HOW many sprays did the clown and hooker need???

I wash their faces with make-up remover and put them to sleep. I can barely say our nightly prayer without gagging because they fucking smell so badly.

The entire house smells of perfume, yarn is everywhere, and I am wondering when E1 got ballsy enough to convince the sitter to let them play in make-up and perfume and why the sitter said yes.

Glad the girls had fun.....next time, I leave rules.