Sunday, November 15, 2015

F*ck You, Magic Tree House

E1 LOVES to read. It is her thing. I am not complaining. Right now we are reading the Ramona series, but when she is bored E1 will read her Magic Tree House books again. Deep in the abyss, otherwise known as her room, she has stumbled upon the non fiction companions to these chapter books. I love that she loves reading, but these companion books have caused quite an education in our home.

We have discussed the Titanic and why on earth were there not enough life boats? Why did they hit the iceberg? Why doesn't the cruise ship we have taken her on sink? How exactly do cruise ships work? Did the Alaskan cruise we went on before her birth come close to hitting an iceberg? Did I know that X amount of people died on the Titanic? Can she go on a tour of the RCCL ship this summer and ask the captain if he would be the last to leave if in fact we started to sink? SERIOUSLY. Do they make kiddie Xanax?

We then discussed Tsunamis. Yes, tsunamis. Do we live close enough to water that if there was an earthquake under water and did in fact create a tsunami, would it flood our home? Did I know how many people died in the tsunami? Did I know they people hung to trees until someone found them or they died? Did I know kids died? Why did the kids die? Did they not take swimming lessons? How dirty is the water? How can water kill you? What is drowning like in a tsunami? Do you know you are drowning? Why can't you just swim WITH the waves? That is what she does in the ocean when we visit family in Miami. OH MY LORD, I NEED THE XANAX.

Today we discussed sea monsters. Did I know this about squids? That about Octopuses? Sea reptiles? Can she PLEASE go to these websites to learn more? PLEASE? Fine. Websites it is.....anything to shut her up. I cannot hear one more damn word about sea monsters. Without thinking about the publishing date of the book, we pick a website that is listed on one of the back pages, Crap. The site is no longer there. No biggie, we go to the home page of Live Science. Oh, this looks pretty educational - awesome. As we are scrolling and looking around, a picture of cute giraffes slides onto the screen. ANIMAL SEX: HOW THEY DO IT.

Fuck, I am out. I close the website and send her outside to play saying the computer battery was dying.

Like I said, fuck you Magic Tree House and your educational companions. My child may be smarter, but I am two minutes away from needing to self medicate.

Rice & Bean Table

We have a six year old water table. It was bought for E1's first birthday and it is the gift that keeps on giving. In the warmer months it is filled with water and in the cooler months it's filled with rice and beans. The girls enjoy playing with this outdoor activity so much.  We put in the table measuring cups, measuring spoons, funnels, plastic animals, plastic cars, and anything else we think might be fun. Tupperware has found its way in and so have plastic utensils. This year, the girls added an ice cream scooper. (Why not)

Without even knowing it the girls work on pouring and spooning skills, measuring skills, sensory skills, etc. They love to use their imagination and work together to create elaborate scenes within the table. I am amazed at their excitement each year when the water table turns to rice & beans and then back again to a water table.

*You should only buy rice & beans if you do not mind a few bean sprouts in the spring time. My girls know the rice and beans are supposed to stay in the table, but every year they 'sneak off' to plant a bean garden.

**The table is filled with a 20 lb bag of rice and 8 lbs of pinto beans.

Saturday, November 14, 2015


Why? I ask why all the damn time.

Why does it take so damn long to choose your panties when you are four? Seriously, just pick a different My Little Pony pattern and stop crying because the pony you originally wanted is dirty. We do NOT wear panties two days in a row. Every. Fucking. Morning. Why?

Why is it difficult for the seven year old to decide between a bath and a shower? Is she waiting for the house majority vote? That vote is just for cleanliness.

Why are socks an argument? The blisters always form when you go without socks so why is there even a why?

Why is wearing weather appropriate clothes a discussion? 85 degrees means no jacket. Heat stroke is not really something I would like to experience.

Why do the girls think we eat candy for breakfast? And why do they huff and puff when the answer is no?

Why do the girls think they can say they do not want to eat dinner and I won't send them to bed hungry? Learn. The. Lesson

Why is there so much laundry? How do two children add so many more loads??

Why does the seven year old SOAK her bathroom floor EVERY night? How the fuck does the water get out of the tub?

Why does buckling a seat belt require so much effort? Does one forget how to do it between each car ride?

Why is brushing your teeth something to lie about? And how about wetting your toothbrush if you are going to lie. How do you not know that this is the first thing we check? And your nasty breath is a dead give-a-way. Why do you still lie about this?

Why can no one find an 18 inch stuffed animal, but we know where every lost bead is.

Why is my oldest daughter a hoarder? The scrap of paper is TRASH.

Why do they still whine? Seriously, why?

Why is "Turn off the TV" so difficult to understand?

Why is "No" so difficult to understand?

Why can my child multiply but not chew with her mouth closed?

Why are manners so hard to learn? And using utensils? Why do they think they are cavemen?

Why the attitude? It makes me afraid for the teen years.

Why are their clothes on the floor? Is the hamper really that hard to find? It is in your closet. It has been there for five years.

Why do you still play hide and seek with the four year old? SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. Why do you get frustrated?

Why is there an agreement between them to be all sweet and kind in public and then a plan to be assholes at home?

Why, why, many questions with just one answer:
They are children.