Sunday, November 15, 2015

F*ck You, Magic Tree House

E1 LOVES to read. It is her thing. I am not complaining. Right now we are reading the Ramona series, but when she is bored E1 will read her Magic Tree House books again. Deep in the abyss, otherwise known as her room, she has stumbled upon the non fiction companions to these chapter books. I love that she loves reading, but these companion books have caused quite an education in our home.

We have discussed the Titanic and why on earth were there not enough life boats? Why did they hit the iceberg? Why doesn't the cruise ship we have taken her on sink? How exactly do cruise ships work? Did the Alaskan cruise we went on before her birth come close to hitting an iceberg? Did I know that X amount of people died on the Titanic? Can she go on a tour of the RCCL ship this summer and ask the captain if he would be the last to leave if in fact we started to sink? SERIOUSLY. Do they make kiddie Xanax?

We then discussed Tsunamis. Yes, tsunamis. Do we live close enough to water that if there was an earthquake under water and did in fact create a tsunami, would it flood our home? Did I know how many people died in the tsunami? Did I know they people hung to trees until someone found them or they died? Did I know kids died? Why did the kids die? Did they not take swimming lessons? How dirty is the water? How can water kill you? What is drowning like in a tsunami? Do you know you are drowning? Why can't you just swim WITH the waves? That is what she does in the ocean when we visit family in Miami. OH MY LORD, I NEED THE XANAX.

Today we discussed sea monsters. Did I know this about squids? That about Octopuses? Sea reptiles? Can she PLEASE go to these websites to learn more? PLEASE? Fine. Websites it is.....anything to shut her up. I cannot hear one more damn word about sea monsters. Without thinking about the publishing date of the book, we pick a website that is listed on one of the back pages, Crap. The site is no longer there. No biggie, we go to the home page of Live Science. Oh, this looks pretty educational - awesome. As we are scrolling and looking around, a picture of cute giraffes slides onto the screen. ANIMAL SEX: HOW THEY DO IT.

Fuck, I am out. I close the website and send her outside to play saying the computer battery was dying.

Like I said, fuck you Magic Tree House and your educational companions. My child may be smarter, but I am two minutes away from needing to self medicate.

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