Thursday, January 28, 2016


THANK GOODNESS Barbie now makes a curvy, petite, and/or tall doll. NOW the eating disorders will end and girls around the globe will have a positive self image.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Poor body image, eating disorders, self consciousness is not the media's fault. It is not the modeling industry's fault. It is not the fault of anyone or anything if a person does not feel good about themselves. Self confidence comes from within. It comes from all experiences in life. Some people have an amazing self esteem, some don't. I do not think it is Mattel's job to fix little girls' self-esteems. It is their parents' jobs. It is the job of the woman to look in the mirror and say, "Look out world, here I come!"

When I was younger Kate Moss was a super model. While she was modeling, I was eating Mc Donald's and wore a size 14. I had friends of all shapes and sizes and thought my shit did not stink. I was not a cheerleader. I knew I was too fat to be a cheerleader, but I had fun and found my own way. And yes, I used the word the fat- if it offends you, stop reading. Over weight, fat, chunky, junk in the trunk, curvy, they all mean the same thing- your thighs touch and you have cellulite and you probably get excited at the sight of ding dongs in the grocery store. Perhaps the last one is just me. I love ding dongs. Damn they are good.

Anyway, back to Kate Moss. She was a size zero. I just assumed she was addicted to cocaine. That's what I thought in high school, wearing a size 14. "Drugs make you skinny. Cheetos and a Coke for lunch do not." I even knew the chicken basket and fries would not make me skinny, but I ate it weekly and laughed with my friends. Hell, I even stopped at the doughnut shop every morning and ate a doughnut, drank chocolate milk, and smoked cigarettes in my car. I am telling you - I was the poster child for healthy.

Did a few people make fun of me? Yes. A group of boys in high school made fun of my ridiculously huge boobs and I think there were some other instances, but honestly my sharp tongue was far more dangerous than my fat ass. Was I scarred for life? No. Why? Because the media did not tell me I should be. I got picked on. So what? It happens. All. The. Time. Learn to defend yourself and if you believe what they say about you, then get some therapy or change what you do not like. Is it nice to pick on someone? No. Would I want someone to pick on my kids? No. But it is going to happen. It just will.

If Barbie is ruining young girls then why isn't The Biggest Loser ruining people too? That show says, "Hey fat ass, lose some weight." The damn doll doesn't say shit - it is fucking plastic. It is a fucking toy.  My Diet is Better Than Yours is another TV show. Everywhere we turn, food and weight are front and center. But hasn't it always been? I do not recall Jacqueline Kennedy being overweight. People have always wanted to look their best.

I have two daughters. We have a SHIT TON of Barbies. Not once has my seven year old said, "Oh Mommy, why are Barbies' thighs smaller than yours?" She barely notices her breasts. What my seven year old does ask is, "Mommy, can you fix her hair. I tried to braid it and then my gum fell on it."

I am not "skinny." Am I smaller than I was in 2008 when I was shopping at Lane Bryant and pushing out of a size 16? You bet I am. I did not lose the weight because Barbie made me feel badly about myself. I did not have an eating disorder, I did not have bad self esteem. (Let's be honest, I will never have poor self- esteem. I am just fucking awesome.) I lost the weight because I was fat. I looked in the mirror and said, "Holy shit." So, I watched what I ate and I exercised. It seemed to take forever for the weight to come off, but it did come off.

Was I happier?
I was healthier.
I was stronger.
I could ride a bike with my daughter.
I could walk the dog.
I was not happier. I was the same happy because happiness is not defined by what you look like, but who you are. And I was happy at a size 16. I was not healthy, but I was happy. YES, fat people can be happy.

To all the Barbie haters out there - enjoy your curvy Barbie.
I for one am going to enjoy being curvy and strong in real life.
I am going to continue to be amazed at what a body like Serena's can do compared to the body of a super model. My girls know what strength looks like.

To all the young girls out there and to my own daughters, don't let anyone or anything tell you how to look, how to feel, or define your self worth. Look in the mirror each morning and say, "I am a fucking rock star."
It worked for me.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Poo Face


E2 does not like to poop, take a dump, have a bowel movement, or take a shit. It doesn't matter how you say it, the kid hates pooping. We are finally at 4.5 years of age in a position where she no longer holds it and given the right amount of fiber, she will crap.

This evening, the tippy toe walk began and I told her to go poop. She whined up the stairs, sat on her potty (the floor kind because she won't poop in a big potty), and took a huge smelly shit.

I wiped her ass (don't ask) and noticed skid marks so we walked to her room to get clean panties. We were approximately 2 feet from her bathroom when the unthinkable happened.

NO!!!!!! Get OUT!!! I grabbed the dog's collar and literally dragged his shit covered face to the backyard. WHAT THE HELL??? THE DOG ATE E2's SHIT.

Stupid. Fucking. Animal.

I put him outside and fed him cheerios and milk because I assumed he needed something to settle the shit in his stomach? So gross. I don't even understand what would make any animal think that eating foul smelling shit is a good idea. You understand how to heel, how to sit, how to stay, but you cannot understand that smelly nasty shit is not food?? Maybe I should have the dog tested for a learning disability.

Now the girls are RUNNING away from him screaming, "GO AWAY POO FACE!"

My. Dog. Ate. My. Kid's. Shit.

The End.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

How Was Your Day?

I am sure I am not alone when I ask my child(ren) how their day was and receive the response of "fine." After reading different blogs, etc of thought provoking questions for children, I asked mine those questions, tweaked them, read some more, asked, tweaked, read, and continued this cycle until I found the questions that worked for my girls.

My daily after school questions for E1 (age 7):
  • Was your day great, good, ok, or needs some improvement (NI)?
  • What are three things that made your day (great, good, ok, NI)?
  • What happened today that made you laugh?
  • What is the best question you asked today?
  • What was the answer to your question?
  • Is there anything you would change about your day?
  • What is something new you learned?
Other questions that sometimes get asked: Who did you sit with at lunch, who did you play with at recess, what did you play at recess, and what made you smile today?

My daily after school questions for E2 (age 4):
  • Did you laugh today at school? What happened?
  • Who did you eat with at lunch?
  • Who did you play with on the playground?
  • What did you do on the playground?
  • Did you cry today? (E2 cries when she gets frustrated so this question is important for us)
  • What was your favorite part of today?
**E2 is speech delayed so my questions are tailored to her specific language ability

If you have great questions that you ask your children, please share them with me.