Honor

Twelve years ago today I delivered our still born son.

Twelve years ago was a dark, sad time that I really did not think would turn around.
Twelve years is a long time ago.

In the last twelve years, I have grown as a person in all areas of life. The best thing that happened in the last twelve years? E1 and E2. I never thought I would be a mom.

This morning, while drinking my first cup of coffee, my husband asked me a simple question.
(My next blog post should be discussing the fact my brain does not work before my second cup of coffee.)
He simply asked, "Are we going to the cemetery today?"
My response, "I did not even realize it was October 26th."

At first, you would think I would feel guilty for not realizing today's dreadful date. Years ago I would have felt guilty. Today, I do not.

I thank G-d each and every day for the blessings in my life. I understand that from Eli's death came my health, my daughters, a strong marriage, and a new outlook on life. I understand that while I still cry thinking about all the hell we went through, the tears do not express regret. I understand that my life is filled with so much joy - a joy that would not exist had it not been for Eli.

I do not need to count down on a calendar to remember the day that forever changed me. In fact, visiting the cemetery is at the bottom of my list on how to honor Eli's memory. My husband finds solace in visiting the cemetery. I do not. I do not feel closer to my son while standing at his grave. He is not there. For me, the people who have passed on, are everywhere. They are in my heart, my thoughts. They are there when I need them.

I do not need to visit the cemetery on October 26th to remember and honor Eli. I remember and honor him daily. Even on the girls' worst days, I thank him. I am here because of him. The girls are here because of him. Our lives are the way they are because of him.

Today, a few people will text me and my husband and I will go to the cemetery. I will cry when I approach the grounds, cry standing at the grave, and cry as I leave.

However, the tears will stop much faster than years past.

My tears used to represent all that had been lost.
Now, they represent all that I have gained.