Tuesday, January 16, 2018

We Don't Do Cold

Listen. We, the great state of Texas, don't do winter. We just don't.

Texas is hot. Hot as hell. Hot to the point where a saying like, "Sweating like a whore in church" rolls off my tongue over 100 times a year. 90 degrees is nothing to us. A heat index under 115 degrees means we kick our children outside to play for hours. As long as they have water, they won't dehydrate.

We do heat. We do not own proper coats, hats, mittens, gloves, scarves, etc. Those of us that own Uggs or boots did it for fashion, and let's be real fucking honest here - Uggs are ugly but holy shit, they are the most comfortable shoes.

So when it gets cold, freezing temps and below, our city FREAKS. The media has catchy, fear mongering titles like "Winter Storm Coming!," and "Icemageddon." Words such as wintry mix and cold have exclamation points and are in all capitals. Freezing temps are dangerous here if precipitation joins the cold.

Which brings me to my point. We are on our 13th day of missed school due to weather. That number is not even a joke. It is legit. And it is as annoying as a crying baby at 3 in the morning. First was Hurricane Harvey and now we have ice and snow. Texas doesn't do ice. Go ahead and make fun of us Canada and Chicago, it's okay. We are Texas, we don't give a shit.

In Texas, we are not equipped to salt and sand all our roadways. We are a BIG state, much bigger than your stupid sized state, Rhode Island. If the roads are iced over, our drivers, who suck on a normal day, die. Our idiot drivers will ignore all warnings and get on the road and crash. This is Texas. We don't do ice and we don't listen. Everything is bigger in Texas, including our morons.

Because every state has its fair share of idiots, we must cancel school. Our buses cannot risk one of our rogue ass hats crashing into it and potentially killing the students on the bus. For fuck's sake, the damn airports are closed and people are still bitching how the school districts are closed. Do you want to be responsible for a bus crashing? I sure as hell don't. Err on the side of caution. Working parents, yes this is more of a nuisance for you, except on days like this. The damn city is shut down. The fucking hospitals cancelled outpatient appointments. The city is shut. Everyone is supposed to stay home because again, Texas doesn't do cold, ice, sleet, snow. We do heat. We do hurricanes. So stay home with your kids. Don't be an ass hat. Don't be a moron. Don't be the next person I see on the news who "braved the icy roads." During hurricane season and thunderstorms we say "Don't drown, turn around" to remind you all to stay home. Here is your winter saying, "Don't roll the dice, stay away from the ice." Good lord, we need a damn slogan for people to stay home...My eyes hurt from rolling.

I get it. Our kids are on our last nerves. And these Texas kids cannot go play outside because they are made to play in heat and while their bodies can handle 100 plus degrees, if it dips below 50 these little shits start crying about frostbite.

I feel your pain. My kids are home and if you read my blog on the regular you know I would love to home school and you know I love breaks from school. BUT....when it happens all of a sudden the break in routine does more harm than I care to admit. My kids act like they've never been home before. They have a cabinet of arts & crafts, a television, Netflix, a playroom filled with toys, iPads, and each other...and yet, somehow these little spoiled brats are bored. Cry me a fucking river.

To my fellow Texans that are home, pour a glass of wine and relax. To my friends in other states making fun of us for freaking out about iced roads, come live here during hurricane season and I will watch you shit your pants at the first thunderstorm as I drive in the pouring rain and our swim team still holds practice.

Texas, I love you. And you can stay closed for as long as you need. My love for you will never die.

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